Yes, it's time for another one of these. Sandra Lee has pissed me off for so many years that I am occasionally surprised that I can still get so riled up when I watch Semi-Homemade Cooking. I don't even really intend to watch it, but when she looks like a goddamned pit crew member next to a racing track, of course I'm going to take the half-hour out of my day to find out what shit she will mix with other shit to make one bigger pile of shit. So, you might ask, what did Sob-Story Sandra come up with at the race track? Gasoline burgers with corn wrapped in Beggin' Strips, with some flaky butter paste goo, coursely smeared on one-fifth of the corn's surface area. Yes, this explosive meal is what happens when you go from fucking Kurtain Kare with Mrs. Brady to a show about making canned soup that looks like it's filmed inside of a giant faberge egg. For some godforsaken reason, Sandra thinks everyone is just itching to throw a gaudy themed party-bash with cocktails made of straight sugar and booze. Maybe a Kool-Aid packet or some jello mix on the side. After seeing so many of these horrible tablescapes and pastel-colored drinks full of vodkar, I am beginning to wonder: "Sam, is it time for a party like one of these? Could Sandra actually be on to something here? Where's the whiskey?"The answer, clearly, is no. Absolutely not. And I don't know where the whiskey is. By no means am I going to eat dinner with a four-foot tall pile of nutcrackers forming a skyline on the dining room table. This is plainly and simply so, so fucking retarded, that I can't even imagine how she comes up with these gags. It seems like she must just get drunk, hop in her car and cruise on down to Michaels to fill a shopping cart with an entire aisle's worth of holiday-themed craft components, with no care in the world as to WHETHER OR NOT THE TABLE ACTUALLY HAS ROOM FOR ALL OF THE JUNK.
Why on Earth would anyone be interested in making dinner in a Cher costume? Nothing is convenient about this. Instead, she just looks like some dick with a cooking show and too much food coloring at her disposal. Understand this, Sandra: THE ONLY THING THAT WILL EVER REQUIRE UP TO TEN DROPS OF FOOD COLORING IS TECHNICOLOR PASTAR. She would never make that, though, because it was more than 30% homemade:
Yes, I can believe it's Sandra Lee. Why? Because only Sandra Lee would act as if using a FRESH lemon somehow makes the meringue more snazzy. And here's another shocker: Sandra is now a spokesperson for KFC.
So, you're "the Colonel's Girl"? Of course you love their chicken. I can't wait until the episode airs when she has decided to have a KFC tablescape and everything she makes uses KFC chicken as a building block. Now don't get me wrong here -- I love KFC when the time is right, but I also understand that it is what it is. It is chicken that I am perfectly OK with purchasing in bulk for $13 or whatever, only to wander around, handing it out to people who will just walk half of a block down the street and drop it in the bushes in front of a sorority. This is fine, because it is a grease sponge, and sometimes I want to eat that. But no one should have a show on the Food Network and be off giggle-talking on the side about how much they love KFC's chicken. Unacceptable. Bottom score.
More good news! Sandra Lee has a new show premiering soon, to be called "Sandra's Money Saving Meals." I don't know about you, but I cannot wait to watch her wander up and down the frozen food aisle for thirty minutes. God save the Queen.
2 comments:
nice rant, very well done.
I had forgotten how much you hated that hack. I once watched her mash up a store-bought pie, put it on top of some puff pastry, and call it something else. I forget what her sob story was, but nothing excuses her conduct. nothing.
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