Wednesday, August 27, 2008

DREAM SHOTTT!!!!



The new hotness at Phoenix Haus is Dream shot basketball. When the ball goes in from the sidewalk, you immediately join the rank of the Dreamy Ladies Dream Shot basketball team, and all the dreams you might ever conceive are met. Really consider being a part of this.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

whoopsie doodle

No big deal.

Paddington Pig


I think I am taking the lead away from Ashley in terms of high rates of posting, but I just located this photo on the interweb. It was in the free newspaper I would grab on my way to work every day in Dublin this summer, and I clipped the photo out and put it on my refrigerator for the duration of the summer. In the bitterest of barns, one look at the photo (in the paper titled, 'Paddington Pig") would raze said barn instantly. I was going to wait until I got back to the Haus to share the little guy, but I simply couldn't wait. In the paper, it was just the photo, so I was happy to find not only additional photos, but also an informative article. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. I will save "Hippo Hippo Hurray" and "Rock and Roll Panda-monium" for later, though.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

CHINA: SCUM OF THE OLYMPICS, POSSIBLY THE WORLD


The last few nights I have been watching the Olympics, and I generally enjoy the gymnastics part of the summer games because it's neat to watch people do tricks. I don't know if many of you have been watching this, but the Chinese women's team should actually be called the Chinese-gymnastics-daycare-competing-in-the-Olympics team. They have to be sixteen to compete, but the sleazy Chinese government has magically turned what appears to be a twelve-year-old into a cheating "sixteen-year-old" megawhore cheater that is good at doing flips. SHE IS FOUR-AND-A-HALF FEET TALL AND WEIGHS 68 POUNDS. I mean, she is missing a tooth. Her teeth look too healthy to be rotting, so I think it is quite obvious that she is still losing her teeth. Chinese tooth fairy knows that they are cheating, but I heard the government put Chinese tooth fairy in a blender and made a protein shake to put in sippy cups for the gymnastics team during their midday snack time. Come on. It's so obvious that these girls wet the bed and throw temper tantrums. Bright purple glittery face doesn't make them look older. I'm surprised they weren't pushed out in strollers when they went into the arena. Jeez, girls, take out your pacifiers and go bounce around on the springy things with chalk all over yourselves. The government is going to steal their medals anyhow. I heard China thinks gold is a better source of fuel than their modern, environmentally-safe coal factories. Good thing the toddlers beat the Americans because I heard they were going to start burning kids soon.

I'm pissed. The Chinese government stole the Americans' gold medal. Worst hosts ever. I hope a dragon eats China and shits a big pile of justice.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008



HI, MY NAME IS SANDRA LEE AND I MAKE THE WORST SHIT IN THE WORLD. OK, I'M GOING TO PUT THIS BANANA ON A STICK AND ROLL IT IN GRAVY. THEN I'M GOING TO DUMP SEASONING PACKETS AND SPRINKLES ALL OVER EVERYTHING. COCKTAIL TIME! OH MY GOD I LOVE CANDY APPLES. LET'S COOK OUTSIDE BECAUSE IT'S VALENTINES DAY! MY TABLESCAPE IS COVERED IN SHIT BUT THESE GIANT FLOWER POTS IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING MAKE IT ALL OK. SORRY ABOUT THE CONFETTI ON YOUR PLATE, BUT TRUST ME, IT WILL MAKE YOUR FOOD TASTE BETTER BECAUSE MY DECORATIONS ARE SO UNPRACTICAL. I MIXED THESE POTATOES WITH BLUE FROSTING BECAUSE IT LOOKS TACKY AND DOESN'T TASTE GOOD! HOW DID I GET MY OWN TV SHOW WHEN I SUCK SO FUCKING HARD?!!?!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Insane-O Phoenix Dream World


Hey, I know I've been posting a lot lately, but this is good stuff. I have been having crazy dreams, most of them featuring Phonecians. One of them showcased Sam T. Remember when we did that photo shoot for your resume head shot? Well in this dream you were in a real live pro photo shoot. You kept having to change into hilariously high fashion outfits and you had a shit load of high fashion demands. For one, you kept insisting that there were supposed to be deadly animals in the shoot, and you were really pissed that they didn't get the cobras you had requested. Lol, also you wanted mountain water from Nepal that had to be carried down from by a sherpa on a yak. You said this in a little kid, whiney voice for some reason, which was priceless.

The other one, which I will never ever be able to fully translate into words because it was so batshit was about Alex Ticu. I had flown to some seemingly South American country to visit you. I wish that I could discribe this city that we were in, it was like an old timey Amazon city carved out of the jungle, on mushrooms (the drug not the actual fungus). The buildings were like campus buildings but reddish and slightly decomposing and covered with a thin layer of moss. Everything was extremely tall. We were walking around and we went into the back door of your house. There were a lot of people there, all wearing silly things. There was a lot of tension in the house about something and everyone was acting really weird. Like, just not reacting in reasonable ways to eachother. It was odd. So we left to walk around this place and there was sort of a fade in the dream to us walking back to the front of the place . I was still carrying all of my luggage and a huge stuffed Peter Rabbit. As we got to the place I saw that it was an insane asylum. You looked at me and said something to the effect of "oh, by the way, I live at an insane asylum." Very matter of fact. It wasn't like you were crazy or committed or anything, you just decided to live there, and it didn't really phase me for some reason. So we're about to go in and this guy in a red velvet jacket and a sort of sensible mad hatter hat with a gigante handlebar mustache (sort of ringmaster meets fear and loathing) comes over and you get really nervous. You tell me he's basically the mayor. He comes over and welcomes me to the city and tells me I have to join his party (political) right away. I ask if I can put down the Peter Rabbit. That's where I wake up.

Apparantly you guys have been on the brain. Miss you Phoenix. Can't wait to get back.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Come on man.

I am fucking pissed off at John Edwards.  We're fighting right now.  He should have been the next vice president, a great vice president, but noooooo.  He had to go and fuck it up.  Way to pull a Giuliani, cockbag.  

Thursday, August 7, 2008

David the Gnome


This was my favorite cartoon as a kid. Did anyone else ever watch it? The song is almost too good.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Gin Lane?


While I appreciate the spirit, I'm not so sure that Gin Lane truly captures the chutzpah of the Phoenix Haus blog.  I've got to do it, I put it to a vote.  Yay or Nay folks.  Change it back to Phoenix Haus, or keep Gin Lane.  Vote or Die bitches.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Adorable Stuff


Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I hadn't seen this video until today.  I can't believe how adorable this is.

I never wikipedia-ed Phoenix House...

but when I did, I had a good laugh. Check it check it!